Meeting Goals

A strange thing happened on the way to rebuilding a life for myself. I started meeting markers. Making new goals, and attaining, even exceeding those. Reworking and reorganizing my priorities. I've learned to see, with perspective, how very grateful I am and should be for the people I've met along the way, and for my friends and family who have shored me up at the times I've felt lowest.
Just about four years ago, I was at just about rock-bottom. No job. A car I loved repossessed. Living in my mother's home, through her gracious offer to let me do so until I got back on my feet. Things happened after that, but the bottom line will always be that she did not have to make that offer, yet she did. My siblings and children did not have to come out that cold night of early March and help me tote my things in to my mother's basement. But, they did. Friends did not have to offer monetary support, but they surprised me along the way, and have. The point being that I am where I am today, because people cared enough to offer help & support to get me over the next hurdle I was facing at the time. I'm appreciative of that. I'm very cognizant of it. And unless I am struck with a disease that robs me of my memory, I will always acknowledge it. I did not get where I am today alone!
Where exactly am I? I have replaced that repossessed car with an almost identical vehicle. I love driving this car! And, for right now, the biggest thing I can see in my life is something I truly doubted I'd be able to accomplish. Yesterday was a pretty standard Friday, except that I bought a home. A HOUSE! I am going to be a homeowner again! I am so thrilled it is beyond description! My apartment complex sent me notice about a month ago that my rent was going to go up $50 a month at the start of my next lease cycle. I was outraged! That's a pretty hefty "adjustment", in my opinion. So, I started looking for another apartment. What I found was that the rate they were going to charge me, was pretty standard. In the back of my mind, a small idea started to grow. it was simple, really. If I was to have no choice but to fork over (what I considered to be) a large amount of money for not much space...maybe, just maybe I could afford a house. Now, I did laugh a little, at first...because once you're in the rent cycle, it is very difficult to break that cycle. But, I've done so. I found an incredibly cute little place about equidistant from my current place of employ. I made an offer. that offer was countered. I accepted the counter. About four years after I stood in my mother's living room, with nothing to show for my life, I will once again become a homeowner! I can not even begin to describe the euphoria I feel right now. For almost the exact same amount I would have been charged to rent, I will own. Principle, PMI, taxes, insurance...all made possible because, along the way friends, family, and acquaintances have taken the time to build in to my life.
Often times, we might feel our meager donation in to someone's life has little to no bearing on that life. I am here to tell you that it does. That word of encouragement. That coffee date. That smile when it looks like someone is having a rough time. These things matter.
I do understand that trouble comes along with homeownership. It's part of the process. But it's one of those instances where the ends justifies the means. At the end of the day, with more than a little help from friends & family, I am literally where I never thought I would be...at the brink of owning my own home. My OWN. Life is what you make of it. Set goals. Aim high. Shoot for the stars. And watch! along the way, people will be offering you a helping hand to get to the next step. Embrace it!

The Treadmill

Looked at, but not seen. Heard, but not listened to. Present, but ignored. Living. Breathing. Sentient. Vital. Unnoticed. Who am I? I am any person, any day, who wants to get off the treadmill and run for real...but doesn't know how to stop the machine. For some, the "off" button is seemingly hidden...in plain sight. Ironically, we can easily see other's buttons, and wonder why they don't just push it...yet we can't. See. Our. Own.
It is only when we feel blindly, almost feebly along the unseen edge that we find what we seek. It's scary to press that button, because we are fully aware that once we do, we can no longer blame this inanimate thing for our lack of progress. We comprehend then, that life, from this point forward, is what we make of it. A step or two here. A glance there. And each movement takes us farther away from what was never really safe. That treadmill of sameness that fools us in to thinking we are living a real life, when in fact, we're walking the same steps, over and over.
Real life does not go at a smooth, steady pace, nor does it stretch before us with the smoothness of a wide belt, whose speed is varied by a mere touch to the controls. Real life has hills, mountains, valleys, rivers, oceans, jagged outcroppings, and once in a very great while, brief patches of tolerably smooth paths. Find the button. Shut down the machine. Walk the path of real life...and discover what it is to truly live.

The More I Know

The more I understand how little I know...about life, about love, about well, pretty much anything. Life is all about change and choices. Each change reveals a new dimension about the world, about my world specifically, and about me individually. Each choice reinforces that old axiom which says, 'Every choice has ramifications. There are divergent paths. Say yes, you go this way. Say no, you go that way. and your path unfolds according to the answer you give.'
Even when we think we're not choosing...we are. We fool only ourselves when we say we dislike change and believe that if we keep living as we have, we won't change. The crux of life is knowing that if we are living, we are changing. We only stop changing once we've passed on.
So our choice is pretty simple. We either chose to rail against the change that is inevitable, or we embrace change, with the clear understanding that this is the basis for being human. Railing does nothing in the end, except show us our unwillingness to acknowledge a basic life-truth. Embracing, on the other hand, gives us freedom.
As we embrace the fact that life is change, we release the angst that comes from not wanting to change. Once we do this, the freedom that comes from unshackling that monstrous burden from our emotional selves, is revealing. We then stand, yet again, in front of a huge choice...because it is then we begin to comprehend how daunting that freedom can be. As we embrace it, we touch the edge of the responsibility we face with each choice we make.
Does this mean we will then make wise, correct decisions? Not always. But then, that's part of life. We can't always know if a decision is correct immediately. Sometimes, it takes time and experience to understand ramifications that were unseen at the outset of a particular decision.
This is why, in my opinion, some bury their head in the proverbial sand. Because of the "unknowns" that are out there. Amazingly, those unknowns are there whether you embrace choice or not. Why not embrace and look towards those unknowns as learning experiences? As life-molders? As opportunities to grow and become more than you'd realized you could be?

How Do You Define Love?

The older I grow, the more experience I gain, the more I realize that I haven't a clue when it comes to this question. I don't know about you, but for me personally, I've held a sort of 'vision', at least partially, in my head for many years as to how he'd look , act, and be. I'm a sucker for a chick flick with a happily-ever-after ending. He's tall, handsome, employed, sure of himself, knows where he's going. His kids are grown and he has a great relationship with them. He owns his home, is financially stable, wants to travel,  believes there is a Creator, and most importantly sees past the shell of who I am to the inner beauty of the me I don't often let others see.
Wow! I fell in love as I wrote that! What I am coming to understand is that I have set a goal so lofty, so perfect, that I could miss the real man who might stumble in to my life, completely unexpected, and knock me for a loop. The man who could see my fears, my shortcomings, my insecurities, and be attracted anyway. Sadly, as I look at my supposed list, I see it as all surface. That is exactly what I've accused men of...not seeing beyond the outside!
I'm beginning to see that love, at its very core, is the meeting of two like minds who feed off each other, are willing to accept character flaws, imperfections, limitations, and see clear through to the deepest part of the other person. Its basis is knowing that someone else's existence matters immensely to you, and that that person was possibly put on this earth to find you, love you in all your imperfection, and believe in you completely.
The one and only thing I can be completely sure of is that it looks different for each and every person, and that sometimes, it sneaks up on you from the most outrageous place when you are totally unprepared for it.
I know this one thing...and I've said it from the very beginning of this odyssey. I'd go anywhere to find it. Nowhere is too far away if it's the real thing. When I find it, I hope those who know me personally will be happy for me. Some will be, others won't. I can't control that, nor would I even want to begin to try.
I believe real, deep, complete love wants more for the other than the love-r could possibly furnish on their own. It strives always for the best, believes the best, hopes the best, endures the worst. (My take on I Corinthians, 13) It continues to love when it seems all hope is lost, and it trusts implicitly. It takes the time, spends the time, uses the time it's given to the betterment of the one loved.
Love is-consistency, patience, pleasure, deep understanding, and completely beyond our grasp until we let go. Until we just surrender to it. Believe in it. Succumb to its influence. It can mold us, shape us, transform us, but only when we surrender to our inability to stop its affect on us. It is a feeling, but it is much more an act of our will. We choose to love or, we choose not to love. When we encounter it, full force, unfettered... resistance is futile! It draws us like a moth to a flame, and we begin to understand that while our wing tips might get singed, it is also possible that the endeavor could be totally worth the risk!

My Take on a Sensitive Subject

I'm seeing a lot of rainbow'd pictures coming across my Facebook newsfeed in support of the landmark U.S. Supreme Court decision made this week. I choose not to rainbow mine. I choose, instead to show love to those in my life, near and far regardless of race, creed, or orientation. When it comes down to the end of it, all of us individually are responsible only for our own choices. It is not my place to tell someone else what they do is morally or Biblically wrong...because their life is not my life, just as mine is not theirs. I choose to love, respect, and honor all those I call friends & family, because I believe that's the ultimate show of support. I must give out what I'd like to get back. Too often, those of us who call ourselves "Christians" define Christianity by our own standards...not by what the Bible says. Or we twist what it says to fit those same standards. We can't continuously spew hate out one side of our mouths, and expect others to believe it when we speak words of love out the other. It's taken me a long time to realize that GOD...is bigger than any of our petty hatreds. That He calls us to love, and to show His love to others, not ram what we believe to be "God's Rules" down the throats of those who don't look or act like us. When we question others' lifestyle, life choices, or anything like that, we set ourselves up as judge & jury. That's not what we're called to, folks. When I concentrate on what *I* deem as 'wrong' in someone else's life...all that does is take my focus off of the problem areas in my own life. (The following is for those raised in the church...)
Remember the woman caught in adultery? By that day's societal standards, she should have been stoned...to death. Yet, even as her accusers stood, rocks in hand, Jesus simply said..."he who is without sin...cast the first stone." Out of a group of people, not one of them could cast a stone. They dropped them and walked away... without a word!  Jesus didn't go on to condemn her either... He just loved her. Other people's hatred (& feelings of moral superiority) would have literally killed her! We need to remember that God hates all sin...not just ones we choose as 'the most vile'. And if you're going to go by a strict old testament, biblical code, talking about someone behind their back, and assassinating their character is sin. Telling a little white lie is sin. Divorce is sin. Gluttony is a sin. Cheating, stealing, and coveting...all sins. Those little things you think no one knows you do...that's sin, and God sees it all. We humans tend to assign degrees to sin making some worse than others, but God doesn't have degrees. It's all the same to Him... sin is anything that separates us from Him. I'm not setting myself up as anyone's judge or jury. I'm reminding myself, right along with anyone else reading this who believes they live by Biblical standards. All have sinned. All fall short of God's glory. Christ died for all mankind, not just those who fit in to one group or another because of shared beliefs, lifestyles, or doctrines. No one person, denomination, or idea has the absolute corner on truth. Until we can truthfully say we're perfect, we should not be condemning anyone else.

There Was A Day

There was a day she realized what she wanted, and that what she wanted while some might find it old fashioned, outdated, or just plain silly, was still a good thing. There was a moment she understood that she was totally capable of being alone, of living on her own, doing things alone...but that for her specifically, this was not how it was supposed to be. She understood that the yearning she felt deep within was a good thing...that her spirit called out not because it was incomplete, but because she has so much to share.
What she wants is what she feels society scoffs at these days. One man, one woman, in a monogamous relationship that is bound by law. How completely outdated, right? WRONG! She does not desire something that is wrong, or even bad for her. She just desires something that is out of fashion these days. The yearning comes in when she sees that according to societal standards, she's lacking in surface areas. She's overweight. She never got a college degree. And, she looks at the possibility of love, as opposed to laughing at the entire concept.
She is competent. Smart. And so very tired of wasting moments she feels she could and should be sharing. Yet still, she waits. She anticipates. And on nights like this, she wonders. Does she hope in vain? Will it ever happen? She finds that her only job is to be ready for it to happen. And in the interim, live her life day by day, changing, growing, and always becoming more of what that one man will find irresistible...herself.

Consistency is The Key To My Heart

I've recently discovered this novel idea. I've ruminated a lot over the last few years as to why I haven't had even one serious relationship since becoming single.  I moved out on my own in late 2007, and I became officially single after 26 and a half years of marriage in June, 2009. I've dated so much more than I ever would have thought I'd date...and it's because of one simple thing. It comes back to this one word-consistency.
I've dated men from different walks of life, different cultures, with small children, with no children, with grown children, men estranged from their children (a big no-no!), and the only common thread I can find is that none has chosen to show a consistency of interest. This one thing is how I as a woman, can tell a man is serious in his pursuit of me. When it's not there, I see that as well. I'll use a word picture to illustrate my point: Say you're an incredible baker. You've got tried and true, prize winning, delicious recipes. You use top ingredients, and you know your product. You're baking in your kitchen one day, and you get distracted. You add more of a dry ingredient than the recipe calls for, because you forgot what point you were at before the distraction overtook you. When it comes time to put your batter in to pans, tins, or other bake ware, you suddenly realize the consistency is off. It's too thick. Or, maybe you thought you added that dry ingredient, but you didn't. So, the consistency is too thin. Either way, that batter is off and the product it'll produce if you use it will be inferior. The simple baking lesson here is pay attention to where you're at in the recipe.
The same rules apply to life. Pay attention to the ingredients you add in to your life. When you settle for leavening with no leavening power left...your bread fails to rise. The consistency of the dough is off.
Our lives are not meant to be a cake walk by any means. But I believe we're given a brain and the ability to use it to try to make the best of the life we've been given. Does this answer make me any less alone? No, it does not. But what it does do, is nudge me to remember that unless there is consistency the effort being made is feeble. And, I don't know about you but if I am going to be pursued by someone romantically, it had better be more than a feeble, half-hearted attempt to capture me. Because if that's all he's willing to give when he's on his "best behavior"...in that 'getting to know you' phase, then I'll be unnoticed inside a relationship, and most likely taken for granted.
Before you think I'm talking about being in constant contact, just don't. It's not about that. That's suffocating. It's consistent daily contact, especially when you're first getting to know each other. As you learn more about each other, if the interest grows, I think the contact grows. That's logical to me. Where do you spend you time? That's where your passion lies.
For me, when I look at it this way, it becomes easier to understand why it hasn't worked yet. It's also easier to see how easy it will be to see when it does finally happen!

Sometimes, Life Hurts

The last couple of weeks have been busy in my life. Most of it, not in a good way. My ex mother in law passed away. My mother had double knee replacement surgery. Call volumes are way dawn at work, so I am nervous about my job (again). Because of that nervousness, I started applying to other jobs. I thought I had one, but they declined to complete the process with me, and left me in that void of not knowing why. It was in a different state, so I had a mover lined up, a realtor waiting, and I had even pre-qualified for a mortgage!
I had dinner with my three children this evening, celebrating a belated Mother's Day. While I won't go in to detail, it was humbling, uncomfortable, and I walked away feeling like I must be the lousiest mother-ever. Now understand that I know I'm not, but I can't help feeling that way sometimes.
There are just times in our lives when we have to keep on keeping on, because the alternative is not an option. Loss isn't always easy to deal with. Yet it is an integral part of life. I can normally do alright if I am facing one thing at a time. It just feels, right now, like someone backed a dump truck up and poured 'fertilizer' all over it. All that really means is I need to get out my tools...and start spreading it and evening it out so that it does what it's supposed to do...help me bloom! Yes sometimes, life hurts. But I will argue that if we never knew pain, joy would mean nothing, or at least not as much, because we would have nothing to compare it to.
I will continue to apply for jobs, because I know the pain of not having a job and for me, that is just not a place I want to visit ever again. In the mean time, I will perform my current job to the best of my abilities, because that is what I've been hired to do. My mother will get better. We're seeing small improvements every day. And, at some point, I will be a homeowner, because I believe now that is an achievable goal.
I'm counting my blessings tonight, even as I feel the pain of fresh wounds. They'll heal. Time will move on. And this 'keeping on' phase will lead to the next level, and so on. Even in emotionally tough times, a positive outlook is possible. I just have to remember that I am here for a purpose. That there's a design for my life. And that hard work is it's own reward, and it usually brings other companions along with it. Like peace. Contentment. Self-motivation...and understanding that there will be times, like now...when looking back, there'll only be one set of footprints.

...Not an Excerpt

There was a fierceness to her love...a spirit behind it, that while ethereal, was still visible...at least to him. It wooed his mind, swayed his spirit, promised fulfillment to his longing. He understood at once that if he tried to grasp it, it would never belong to him, but if he waited open and ready, it would rest upon him, as lightly as the touch of a butterfly's wings. He could not imprison it, but he could accept it as a gift. It thrilled and terrified him all at once, as the enormity of her willingness to give this gift showed him the depth of his responsibility to keeping it safe. "This is love", he thought..."this keeping and treasuring and protecting of this gift."

He wondered at the vulnerability he glimpsed. The extravagance of her actions belied the shyness he saw reflected in her eyes. Those eyes! One look from them made him want to cherish, protect, and honor her. He wanted to dive deeply in to the pools of trust shining out at him.

Is it silly of me to believe this exists? That how I feel love should be, isn't just all hyperbole? That out there somewhere is a man who's waiting to  be loved with the singlehanded ferocity love can be? Not in the negative, jealous, selfish way so many think is love, but in the single-minded, all encompassing, passionate way I know I could love? The scene above is not an excerpt from a novel. It's just some thoughts I jotted down last night before I went to sleep.

Mature love is never 50/50. It's always 100/100. It doesn't track movements, keep score, or remember hurts. It goes all out, all the time, full throttle, and it is fueled by trust. Without trust, it dies. A slow, painful, agonizing death. You cannot love someone you do not trust. You cannot have someone's best interests at heart if you are always looking for ways to trip them up and trap them, so that you can finally say, "Ah ha! I told you so!"

 Love is passion. But, it is also quiet, steadfast, instinctive trust in someone other than yourself. It is the relief of simply knowing that after a bad day at work, or after a confrontation with someone, there will be someone there to hold you...to wrap you in arms of comfort and remind you that you are enough precisely as you are in this moment. It is also in the communion of sharing the precious, good things that come in to our lives. Its spirit is shown in times of trouble, and the fabric of trust it's built on is made even stronger during the good times.

I won't ever pretend to have all the answers. But in the course of my own life, my hope is that I've learned lessons that needed teaching along the way. Until the time is right for my own love story to be written, I will wait (not always patiently!) because I understand more every day that I am worth the wait. Worth the struggle, the striving...worth the path he will have walked to find me.

In the Grander Scheme of Life...

...do I matter?
Have you ever asked yourself this question? Ever wondered to yourself? Do you pause to only ask this if things don't turn out quite as you had expected them to? Or do you use it for introspection, a touch point or marker? Does what I do, how I choose to live, matter to anyone else but me? If I suddenly disappeared, would my absence be noticed or mourned? Or, would the business of life fill in the space left until there's really nothing there to show I was the least bit remarkable?
These are some of the thoughts that swirl around in my brain. I know, because of how I'm wired, that I personally need to revisit these questions, because I can get so tied up in myself, that I forget that the only thing that lasts is how we treat others. I spend a lot of time on the phone for my job. Because I don't have eye contact, I have no clue what the customer I'm speaking to is going through. My goal is to be a bright spot in their day. For the two to ten minutes they spend on the phone with me, they get a smiling voice. Why? Because sometimes, life just isn't fair. And while I can not change any of my customer's lives, I can choose to treat them with kindness, dignity, and respect. I can laugh with them. Empathize. And do my job to the best of my ability to help make that small part of their day a little more bearable.
I want my life outside of work to be the same. All of us touch so many more lives than we realize. Social media, especially, has shrunk our world in some ways, yet broadened the scope of lives we will possibly touch in our life time.
I spend a fraction of my 'free' time outside work, in a chat room for senior citizens. Most of them have been chatting since 'way back in the day'...when chat first started up. I'm a relative newcomer to it all, but in this group of people with diverse backgrounds, I have found a type of family. I found this room kind of by accident. I was tired of the same old, same old in other chat rooms. Drama, insincerity, insecurity, cliques, and churlish, childish behavior. I dropped in to this room and found a family.
They do not replace my family of origin, but I love them deeply. They encourage, protect, and cheer me as they see me fight...and win life victories. Most of them are old enough to be my parents! I find humor, understanding, wisdom, knowledge, and acceptance in this place. They tease me about loving the color pink, and beam with pride when I meet or exceed a goal.
For me, the most exciting thing this year will be when we all come face to face at a chat get together in mid-September. There will be laughter, teasing, hugging, a bit of tears, and for me, a general feeling of joy at having the honor of meeting so many people who see me as I would like to be! I'm looking forward to: Chat names & real-life names on name tags. Coffee...by the gallon! Eye contact. Conversations. Interpersonal connections and bonds that are strong now, will become even more so after spending time together in person.
So, do I matter? Yes! To my family, co-workers, customers, real-life friends, and online friends! I would be missed if I were gone...but, it's only because we, as a group, have taken the time to build in to each other's lives. To learn what is important to another person, and to cheer them on, even from long distances when we see them obtaining a goal. Each one of us determines, in ways we don't even realize, how someone else perceives us. For the most part, what you put out, is what you'll get back. Yes, I know there's always the exception, but don't let exceptions ruin your perception of everyone else. Find the life you want to live, pursue it, and embrace it as you go. The joy you get from simply doing this will be infectious!

The First Day of Spring!

It's the first day of spring! Here in Michigan, at least where I live, it reached close to 50 degrees! (we get pretty excited this time of year when that happens!) Almost all the snow has melted. There's still a chance it could snow, but from here on out...the days get longer and warmer. The birds are back, busily building nests for the next generation. Ice melts across the surface of open water, the recession bringing spring's hope along with it.
My thoughts eagerly turn towards the now bare ground surrounding my very small patio. I can't wait to decide what color & type of flowers I'll plant this year. I'm looking forward to the work of setting my patio up! Seeing it come back to life, as it were, after a cold winter's respite. There are hummingbird feeders to hang, and this year my patio will sport a baker's rack! Nope, no pies or baked goods will be on it, but it should have some colorful plants!
My cat will remember that my patio door is like her own television nature channel, and I'll laugh with delight as I see her take notice of all sorts of wildlife. Mice, chipmunks, birds of all sorts, squirrels, rabbits, raccoons, an occasional opossum or skunk, deer...and, oh yes other people's pets! It's a veritable nature preserve, and she keeps a watchful eye over it all.
Wearing sandals, going barefoot, pulling weeds, watering flowers...these are the rewards of summer. Sipping my Sunday morning coffee on the patio, before the rush of things needing to be done takes over. Taking the time to try, yet again this year, to get the perfect hummingbird picture. Re-learning that sometimes, the best thing you can do is stop and drink it in. Pause and be grateful. Look around and see how good you have it. Dream. Plan. Make goals. Pursue the life you want. Then, stand in awe as you actually live that life!

Life is But a Breath

Today, I heard some terrible news. A man my son's age, a man who'd been a childhood friend of my son's, has died. I baked cookies for this boy. He played in my yard, slept at my house...he existed.
A terribly tragic accident...and a life, hardly lived, is cut short. A wife and children are left husbandless and fatherless. A nation mourns the loss of brave men who were serving their country, and the lives those men touched are changed forever.
We go about our work-a-day world, barely realizing that time is passing, life is happening...until we get some sort of news that stops us in our tracks. Look around. This moment is all we really have. We don't get do-overs. And we're not promised more than the breath we're either inhaling or exhaling at this very moment.
I won't be maudlin. The young man I remember from so long ago, even at that age, had a zest for life.  I'm sure he lived life on his terms. Which begs the question...am I? Am I making a difference, or am I merely going through the motions?
Am I striving to appreciate each day? Am I looking at the day as another opportunity to give back, change my outlook, or just be there for someone? Am I learning to be quick to forgive, short on remembering wrongs, and easily accessible when family or friends need me? Am I saying "I love you" to those I do love...so there's no regret of words lost or unspoken should something calamitous happen?
In the end, it's the human, emotional bonds we form that help define the effect we may (or may not) have on another person's life. We may spend a lifetime building an empire, putting our efforts in to making a name for ourselves, or focusing on constructing our idea of a legacy for those left behind. 
I'm here to state emphatically that what those who are left will think of is how we...me, you, us collectively or individually, impacted their lives emotionally. Did we give love, approval, acceptance, encouragement, praise, and impact them positively? Or, did we tear away at the foundations they tried to lay with disapproval, criticism, and negativity? We can not change the past...it's already over and done with, so we shouldn't dwell in it. We can't borrow from the future, because we just don't know what the future holds. We need to live in the present...and be present in the here and now. Be aware, focused, and observant.
While we may not always realize it, as long as we're living, breathing, and circulating among the masses, we have the ability to change lives. Even if all we do is offer a smile to a stranger...or a cookie to a teenaged boy, who'll one day go on to give his life in a training drill as he learns to diligently protect our country. It is always, always...about perspective. Live well. Be the difference.

Living the Good Life

I recently suggested to a friend that I do my best thinking at night! Or, maybe that's just when I do my most profound thinking. Then again, maybe it takes until late for my brain to process the day just passed. To mull over it, dig through it, and see if there's anything that needs further examination. Oh, I know, not everyone is like this, but you know, that's part of what makes me unique. I'm a thinker. I connect the dots. I journey down possible future paths, just to see possible outcomes. And, I try to figure out how I 'fit' in to the world in which I find myself.
I often look at my single self and wonder. I wonder if and when I'll get fully motivated to lose weight. Not because I want to attract a man, but because it would be healthier for me. I wonder where I'll be five years from now. Ten years...twenty. Looking that far ahead, I can see retirement. Holy cow...I mean holy cow! Where did the years go? Then, I realize that I've been living. Walking, step by step down a path that is going to take me through my last working years, and on in to retirement. This seems like a good place to drop a recent Facebook post. It sums up my basic perspective on the current tenor of my life. It reads as follows:

I just want you to know...that I know I have a good life. I'm thankful for the hardships, because those are what have helped me prove who I am, what I can accomplish, and to see my own value. I don't need your approval, but I'm honored by your friendship. My journey's not over, but let me tell you, I am enjoying the ride!

Just a couple of simple sentences, but I see a person who's confident in their abilities, happy with how their life is, and anticipating whatever the future holds. Goals don't loom in my life...they're placed purposely, at a distance so I have to work to attain them. What I have, here and now, is good. Who I am is not who I was, nor who I will be at some point in the future, and that's alright as well. My job, my home, my "relationship status" are factoids, but they are not who I am. Underneath it all, I'm a woman who's happy with her life, has a positive attitude, and knows from personal experience that if you set your mind to it, you can accomplish anything. Life changes...you change when you understand and take to heart that old adage..."Attitude determines altitude". It really does! And...only you can determine what your attitude will be. Amazing, isn't it?

It's A Jungle Out There!

There are some nights such as tonight, when I can't sleep. I can't turn my brain off. I look at all I have accomplished, and it pleases me! That does not mean I don't clearly understand that I have a long way to go. Goals to meet. New goals to set. Milestones to pass. And of course, the ever-present knowledge of being alone.
Tonight, I determined to put on paper what I've learned to look for...because ladies, it's a jungle out there! It's easy to be eaten alive by the wolves and other predators waiting...no, lurking in the tall grasses of life.
As you look out over the slender grass swaying in the breeze, it's easy to be lulled in to thinking there's nothing dangerous out there. If you think that, you're wrong. Pandering, insincerity, deceit, and a host of other less than sterling qualities await us. They cloak themselves in smiles that don't quite reach his eyes, ardent compliments meant to bowl you over and make you woozy with flattery, and promises broken, right from the start. ("I'll call/text/see you soon!")
For those of us who are single, I've made a brief list of what we, (or at least I) should be seeking. This is what gives me hope!
Look for the man...who will not only hold you in his arms, but also in his heart.
Look for the man whose eyes light up when you enter a room.
Look for the man who treats you like a lady...not because of some archaic ritual, nor because he sees you as subservient, but because you are as precious as a jewel to him.
Look for the man who will work beside you, play along with you, encourage you, and support you in your weakest & strongest moments.
Look for the man who sees you. Not the picture of you that you present to the world, but the real you. That one you're scared to show to many people. He's seen that you, and he's fascinated by her.
Be yourself. Only. Ever. You. You're worth loving, exactly as you are this moment, and he can see that, as well.

I Am Blessed!

Two months from now it'll be three years. The absolute lowest point of my life. One day before things started getting better. I had moved to Florida to escape frigidly cold winter temperatures, and try to build a new life for myself. I failed...miserably. I returned penniless, on a crazily icy-cold night to live in a bedroom at my mother's house...who'd had to pray for three days about whether to even allow me to come & stay. I'm eternally grateful she got a "yes",  because I don't know what I'd have done otherwise.  I was home a couple weeks, and busily applying to pretty much any job I even thought I could do. I owed my ex roommate, the government, and another dear friend money. But it was not until after I awoke one morning to see the one thing I'd fiercely clung to....gone, that I felt the direness of my situation. My beloved MINI Cooper S had been repossessed, in the middle of the night. Everything in it was gone too, including one of my mom's garage door openers. I was shocked. Humiliated. And utterly defeated. When your car is repo'd, they clean it out, gather your things together, and keep it at their place for a short period of time. I...could not make it down to the place in time to collect those things. I can not describe to you how alone I felt. I stood in my mother's house, at 50 years old, and felt like a failure. I was being toted around by my mother. Dropped off at the library or McDonald's or Starbuck's. Using their free Wi-Fi to hunt for jobs online.
The next day, I got a call for a first interview for the job I now have. It took about 6 weeks, and a couple more interviews, but I secured the job. I borrowed my out-of-town daughter's car for the summer, and got busy paying. I paid Uncle Sam. I started (I'm not done yet) paying my gracious roommate from Florida back. And, I started learning. It took me well over a year working to start to feel calm about it (my job). There are no words I could type that would express to you my gratitude to the two ladies who ultimately made the decision to hire me. I applied for a part time job. I worked full time during training, then went to part time for six weeks. I was offered full time after that six weeks, and I jumped at the chance! My daughter came home from New York City to claim her car, so I had to do something to make sure I could get back & forth to work. Enter a lease to own car place for people with bad credit. Since October of 2012, I have faithfully paid on the vehicle I was driving. Every moment I spent in it was a reminder of my previous failure. It served me well, got me where I needed to go, and was even what I used to move in to my lovely apartment in January, 2013.
I have my own place. I have a cat. I have the car. I have a job I enjoy, and another opportunity coming up soon for which I am also extremely grateful. It's going to be about another year before that incredibly patient lady I shared a house with is paid off. Then lastly, the other friend. My celebratory adventure is going to be a trip to the U.K. And, if I'm correct, what I feel this moment will be nothing compared to that moment... as I board the plane, unencumbered by debt to anyone I call friend, and start a journey that's been forty-plus years in the making.
I type all of this to you, not to show myself as a model of how it should be done but rather, to try to encourage anyone who might think they should just give up. The world can be a crummy place. Sometimes, it is because of someone else's actions, but a lot of times, it's because of our own. If we were face to face I would tell you just don't ever give up! Set goals, and do what it takes to reach them. When you reach them, be happy about it, and re-focus to a different goal. Three years ago I would not have thought it possible to be where I am today. But, it is possible! I am living proof! (and so...is this! Today, I replaced the MINI!)

Hearts & Flowers...?

I actually forgot Valentine's Day is coming up! I asked my son to come along with me to look at something this coming Saturday, completely missing that it's February 14th! It's been so long since I had a "sweetie", that it's just not something I pay attention to at this point in my life. Plus, dwelling on it too much would remind me that 7-plus years have rolled by, and I am still alone. I've gotten used to being alone. I certainly feel, for the most part, that I've flourished. I also know that somewhere there's a man I'm going to meet. I don't know when, and I don't know how...but, we will meet. And, it's going to be spectacular. Until that point, I can wait. When it happens...every day will be a possible Valentine's Day. I am slowly, painstakingly, getting my life in order. I've had some major and minor setbacks, but all those have done is help me prove to myself that I can do this. I can budget. Pay bills. Go to work. Spend time with my kids. Have dreams...and watch them slowly become reality.
That man I alluded to above? He's still in the dream phase. But he is there. I know it with a surety. And, because I know that I am worth waiting for, (however long his wait may have been), I know that he is as well. Being on my own has taught me so much...but mostly it's taught me self-reliance, and to recognize when I actually need help. That's a big thing, at least for me.
As I've mentioned in earlier posts, the dating scene is just not for me. I don't miss it. For me, it was a waste of time and effort, and I found myself meeting men I knew, even before I met them face to face, were not right for me. Releasing the feeling that I 'had' to be dating, gave me time to refocus energies on other areas of my life. It's tough, even at 50-plus, to understand that life is always going to be a learning process. That if we're living, we're changing. Growing. Becoming. When we embrace that lesson, we begin to be able to see beyond it. Until we embrace it, it's kind of like a huge monolith, that blocks out the rays of an otherwise brilliant sun. There is privilege, honor, and surrender in saying you love someone. That world only the two of you share, is a safe haven. The looks across a crowded room. Private jokes. And the joy of knowing your well-being is tied to that of another person. It's heady, powerful stuff, love!
To those of you reading this who have a sweetie this Valentine's Day...I'm truly happy for you! Sneak some stolen, special moments with them. Kiss them, just because. Do something unexpected for them. It doesn't have to be big, because anything you do to show the depth of your feelings for someone else, will garner its own appreciation. I don't want to forget Valentine's Day...because, I'm looking forward to the one somewhere in my future, where I know I'm going to get to spend it...with him! Happy Valentine's Day!

An Open Letter to My Children...All Three of Them!

I carried you safely, inside my body, for 40 weeks. 40 long weeks. I went through the agonizing pain of childbirth willingly...excited by the prospect of seeing the face of someone I already loved unreservedly. I heard your first breath of air. Your first cry. I saw your eyes, trying to adjust to light...something they'd never had to try to do while in the safety of my womb. I saw you flail your arms and legs. Stretching, moving, building muscle. I changed your diapers. Stayed up worrying over fevers, spots, stuffy noses, or even unexplained crying. I heard your first word...and my heart swelled when I could discern "Da-da". I'd been working with you for days to get you to say it! I gloried when you sat up, crawled, then walked. And I ran after you as you explored the world you were growing used to, the world you were extraordinarily curious about. My courage was tested when you needed surgery, broke a bone, when we discovered you needed stitches, or had something wrong that while not life-threatening, bore watching.
I watched as you learned things...first from me, then from teachers as I sent you off to school. I saw you learn, grow, play, make mistakes, and begin to become who you are now. And I was in awe. Always. Your arrival here, upon this planet proved to me that miracles are real. Without you, I would not know how completely I could love another person. How willingly I'd set aside any dream I'd had to discover your dreams, and try, with all my might, to help you attain them. I home schooled you for a while. I'm glad I tried that, and no, I still don't think it hurt, warped, or changed you. Nor did it make you anti-social.
Our relationship changed as you grew...just as it's supposed to. After all, it was my mission to help you become self-sufficient as an adult. I think you're doing a great job! I've seen your heartaches over broken relationships, your frustrations with some of your life choices, and your courage to just keep on going, even when things aren't quite as you expected them to be. I've seen your hurt and anger over some of my own choices. I've stood by, helpless to heal the hurt in your eyes. Hurt that my decision caused. I've also seen forgiveness as time has moved along. All I can say is, it was never my intention to hurt you. And it broke my heart that I did. You are the best thing that's ever happened to me. I want you to know I don't regret my past...because you are an integral part of it.
As to my future...or your future...it will be whatever we choose to make it! My love for you is limitless. Timeless. It's unique, because of how I met you. I made mistakes along the way because I am human. You've become a decent human being in spite of my mistakes! Having you, raising you, loving you has given my life meaning. And every year that passes, every decade you move through, I find new ways to love you. New things to admire about you. And new areas inside my spirit that are humbled knowing I had a hand in bringing you in to the world. If you ever doubt that someone loves you, please understand that what I feel for you goes beyond anything I could ever really put in to words. You inspire me. You humble me. Your existence matters to me. It is my singular honor and privilege to be your mother. Thank you.

I Didn't Plan...

...to be single in my 50's. To be sitting, late on a Friday night, with only the company of a cat on my shoulder, purring. The only other noise discernible to me is the noise of the fan on my laptop & cooling pad. I didn't plan to spend so much time alone.
When I write that I have a good life...I mean it. I am housed, fed, clothed. I have a pet, hobbies, and my health. I have goals. Some I've had for several years now, and some are newer in my life-realm. All are relevant. All will be achieved.
If you're introspective (as I am), living alone, being alone, can help you plumb the depths of who you are. That person, deep inside...the one not too many people get to see, because it's risky to expose her. I've learned I'm far more self-sufficient than I'd ever known. That I'm okay on my own. In reflection-that raising my children is still the highest calling I've ever had, and that the swelling of my heart when I speak of them, see them, or think of them is just normal for this mom of adult children. That's another thing I didn't 'plan' for. The mixture of pain & pleasure I secretly feel when I observe the children I poured my life in to living, thriving, and being decent human beings. I didn't plan to go on so many dates I'd lose count. I also didn't plan to stop dating, because it just wasn't working for me. I didn't plan to fall in to a job that, most of the time, seems custom made for me, nor did I ever contemplate I'd be in a place where I could say, "I love my job!" (at least I do, most days.) I didn't plan to lose my dad before I turned 40, nor did I plan to watch my mom, only a few years after that, seemingly sit at the edge of death's precipice...but somehow not fall over it.
How often do you look at all your life plans, only to discover they've been reworked, redone, or that you've simply had to toss them aside because reality stepped in and showed you that you can't always plan?
Life is crazy sometimes, wouldn't you agree? We dream. We plan. We expect. We hope. And then...life happens. In its own idiosyncratic way, it dashes some of our dreams, yet in the same moment, throws open doors to possibilities that had never entered our minds...until we had no other choice but to think outside the box.