Lucky me, Lucky you

If you're reading this, you're lucky. Just as I am lucky. You were born in an era of remarkable discovery, change, and improvement. You were born in the greatest country on the planet at this time. You were given opportunities...to learn, grow, have three square meals in your belly each day, go to college, have a career, go on vacation, move about freely, change jobs, stay home and raise a family...The Land of the Free and The Home of the Brave handed these possibilities, and many more to you. You can be born poor, rich, or in between. The color of your skin can be any of a virtual skin rainbow, yet you can grasp these opportunities as well. You most likely have more than one television in you home, more than one car in your driveway, more than one child...the list is endless.
Yet, as a nation, we can not seem to get along. Black teenagers are racially profiled, and killed by policemen. Retaliation/retribution rears its head as angry people, already incensed by a feeling of injustice, take the law in to their own hands and meet out a sentence they deem fitting. Gays are ridiculed for what some believe are life choices, while others believe that some people are just born with a predilection towards homosexuality. Fat people are mocked, ridiculed, and even sometimes physically assaulted simply because they're overweight. Older folks are made targets of scams that take their life savings. Not because they're stupid, but because they grew up in an era where a person's word was their bond.
My point in all of this is that for a nation of people who, for the most part live in daily excess, we've lost sight of the individual value of a person. We've stopped looking at people's hearts, and never really try to look beyond the surface. Skin color only makes us appear different. Underneath that, we're all the same. Sexual preferences are a private matter. Obesity is a national epidemic. And the older generation is set on the back burner far too often. Everyone's so tied up in getting ahead, having more than their neighbor, and appearing to live the perfect life, that they've lost sight of what living is all about. It's about relationships. And, about investing time in people's lives. Becoming a person of integrity takes effort, and there are so many these days who think it's just not worth that effort.
Whether or not I agree with you politically should have no bearing on who you are as a person. Because you and I exist....we matter. Or, at least we should matter to each other.
All of the technology in the world can't replace understanding that at the core of our being we need human interaction. It's how we're built. We can reason and have emotions on purpose. Our differences should draw us to each other, not tear us apart leaving us in such a shambles that the effort to repair the damage is just too daunting. There are strident voices making a cacophony of noise about the injustices we see, but offering no solutions. This only ends up fueling the fires that divide. Are we going to get so "used" to the basest behavior that we let that become our norm? I hope not. I learned a simple lesson as a child, and I tried diligently to pass it on to my children. "Two wrongs don't make a right." It almost seems we've tossed reasonableness out the window and replaced it with...nothing. "When you aim at nothing, you'll hit it!" This is so true, and in the case of our country, it's dangerously true. Because, while leaders fan the flames that create the divide, others will see that they could now move in and dismantle this nation, and that would be the most incredibly stunning loss. We can't know how we'd even respond if there were no more America. The only thing that will ease the tensions we see and feel right now is to start focusing outward, to really, truly see each other, and to make strides toward trying to understand those who are not the same as ourselves.

A Christmas...Present

I have decided that I need to learn the difference between being alone and being lonely. I am often alone. I live alone. I grocery shop alone. I go places alone, like movies, the mall, vacations. I understand what it is to be alone. I also understand what it's like to be lonely. What it feels like to ache for something as simple as a pair of arms to enfold me at the end of a hectic day. I understand what it feels like to wish there were someone (besides my cat!) here to talk to about my day, my life, my work, my kids...anything and everything.
I've struck an uneasy balance between the two for now. Not because I'm afraid to be alone. I'm not, not even a tiny bit! But because feeling lonely makes me feel like I'm not quite there yet...you know? Feeling lonely happens far less often now than it used to. I'm not sure if this comes from just comprehending I can be on my own and survive, or if I'm just getting used to being alone. It's become my "norm". And, most often, I can find things to fill voids of time I might otherwise be sharing with someone of significance.
It's when I reflect about what the future might hold that I sometimes get that twinge of loneliness. Am I really, truly going to be on my own for the rest of my life? That's hard to get my mind around, if I'm going to be honest! I know myself; my strengths, my weaknesses, and I know who I am. I know the person I am is worth pursuing, worth knowing, worth loving. I also know I don't look like Barbie. Our society is obsessed with body image. And while I'm willing to work to be healthier, I believe that any man who refuses to try to look past the outside, to see the treasure within, would not be worthy of me. At least, that's what I told myself when I was still using dating sites and I saw "that" look. Any woman who's overweight knows that look.
The plus side of being alone is I do what I want, when I want, as time and budget allow. This is a wonderful thing, and one of the biggest bonuses to being single. While it's nice not to have to check with someone else's schedule to make sure I'm free to do something, that checking with someone about anything...is a privilege. It means there's someone around who is investing in your life to the point that you both want your schedules to synchronize...in an effort to spend time together. Whether it's sitting quietly, reading, watching your favorite show on TV, grocery shopping, or just goofing around being silly...you've decided you want to share even your mundane, ordinary tasks with this person. That's what makes me lonely. I fall back to a familiar pattern of overthinking, and wondering if I'll ever have that...or if my life will be fairly similar to how it is now, say....maybe twenty years down the road. Then, I realize I'm trying to borrow from the future, which is not mine to know. It'd be a pretty boring life if we knew everything that was coming. Every event. No surprises....ever. I discover that when I yearn to know what's going to happen...it makes me dwell on the future, instead of actually living in the present!
The more I think about the difference between being alone and being lonely, the more I grasp that part of conquering loneliness is being present in the present. Being aware of the moment you're in, whether it is painful, pleasant, or somewhere in between. I find that becoming a person of intent is tied up in this as well. If I am always dwelling on some very distant possible future, I quickly lose sight of magical moments that are actually happening now. I'm a thinker, a planner, a detail person. But I'm finding that I want to think, and plan, and detail my life away, until I will have missed whatever blessing is right in front of my eyes this moment. For myself, wisdom is coming in the form of learning to ease up on this part of my personality, and just plain Live. Breath. Feel. Appreciate. With age comes understanding, wisdom, growth, an easing of the harried pace of our lives. At least, that is my hope for my life.
I know that when I am fully living in the moment, I am enough. I'm not borrowing from future me, nor relying on past me. Giving myself the gift of being present in the here and now, gives those around me a gift as well. It's like dropping a pebble in a pond. The circle starts out small, but grows in circumference. It will end up affecting some I'd never think it would, as my sphere of influence resonates and moves outward.

Projecting the Future

It's quiet here now. My tree is up for the season (and will stay up, barring any unforeseen cat incidents). The football game is over for today, and my team won. Dishes are done. I even baked cookies and watched a classic Christmas special today! Laundry was finished yesterday. Since I don't have cable or a TV that works, the only sound in my apartment is the slight click of the keys as I type. The tree I worked on for a couple of hours glows softly in the corner, as the cat sits in her favorite perch, mesmerized by it. Time to take those few, precious breaths I get each week. It's that Sunday evening twilight time before Monday starts my work week again.
A mug of hot cocoa, a warm pink blanket, crocheted by a dear friend, Tiffany style lamps, pictures of family and friends...I look around, and I don't see a non-descript dwelling. I see a home. I see a life carved out. I see me... and it is good.
Rarely in this journey would I have picked beforehand every turn my path has taken. Yet in hindsight, I can see how each turn, each re-direction, each new phase has changed, molded, and re-defined the person I am at this moment.
I've had some time this weekend, even in a flurry of busy-ness, to project in to the upcoming year. I can hardly believe that 2014 is nearly over, and 2015 is less than a month away! The older I get the faster time flies by, and the more aware I become of just how precious each moment is. 2015 is going to bring a slight budget easement for me, as my vehicle will be paid off early in the year. Each little step I take puts me that much closer to the goal. January, 2015 will mark the end of my second year in this lovely apartment, and a brief visit home of my older daughter. April will bring the budget easement I touched on earlier. May will bring weather conducive to decorating my patio again, my youngest daughter's birthday, and planting flowers. June brings a milestone...my oldest will be turning 30. July and August will follow in quick succession. September will bring a meeting with a group of chat friends I "see" each morning for coffee...I'm excited and thrilled for this! October another birthday...November starts the holiday rush...and before I know it...it'll be Christmas time again! I have some other goals that will get squeezed in there throughout the year as I can. Spending time with my children. Starting to save for my long hoped for trip to the U.K. Spending time with friends. Trying new things, having new experiences...because the older I get the more I understand how crucial it is to not take a moment life offers me for granted. My wish this holiday season is that I will keep my eyes open to the richness of my life, and be ever mindful of having a life attitude of gratefulness!

This Crazy Life

Isn't life crazy? We plod along, somewhat oblivious to those around us, until we're stopped short by something or someone and finally notice others. Recently, I've added some coworkers as friends on Facebook. I know them by voice, not by face, because our jobs entail being on the phone... a lot!
These ladies are always so gracious on the phone...their jobs entail dealing with banking centers (who sometimes don't have a clue what they're doing!), and many, many other groups inside the bank. Yet their calm demeanor is a welcome oasis inside the storm that can sometimes be created when you deal on a daily basis with other people's money.
When I see one of their names on my phone, or notice I have to call their department to confirm the wire on my screen, I know I can relax because they know what they're doing, first of all, and secondly they're just nice to deal with.
Sometimes, we get so busy 'plodding'...we forget there are others living parallel lives to ours. Friendship is a two way street...we have to be open to it, ready for it, and willing to reciprocate when the opportunity presents itself. As a single woman, I admit I sometimes get so caught up in that singleness, I forget I'm not the only one living this life. An online friend recently told me I needed to develop single real-life friends. Now, I hate when someone tells me something I know I should be doing, but I'm not, lol. He was right though. When I don't take time to make sure my real life is on a steady course, I'm more apt to put deeper emphasis on my online life, which in turn could lead to heartache, frustration, and a further turning in upon myself. Those are not my goals!
A couple of clicks, saying "yes, I'll add you as a friend on Facebook"...is all it took. Simple, right? Focusing outward takes effort. When we do, life happens. People enter our lives, as they're supposed to. Our horizons get broadened. Out circles expand. We're reassured we're here for a reason. Our life cup refills, and we experience the contentment of knowing we can relate to others. We live each day with our personal blinders on...at least I do. It's a relief to set those aside and look someone in the eye. The relief is in the reciprocation, understanding, and wonder of knowing that we are not alone.

A Faebook Response

I've thought about this for a couple of days. Mulled it over. Contemplated it...then determined I wanted to write something about it. A couple of days ago, I saw a post come across my newsfeed that made me sad and mad at the same time. Sad, because I know that it is true, at least in part. Mad as well, because I saw a sweeping generalization applied to Facebook users that I know, at least for myself, is not the truth. It talked about how people just never believe what they read in anyone's posts here. They believe everyone (in general) is lying. Isn't this a sad commentary on society? We have 25...50...100...200...500 Facebook friends...but deep down, we believe their posts present a false image of their lives? What does that say about our society...about ourselves, individually? "I'll have you as a quasi-friend on Facebook, but I refuse to believe a word you post about your life." As a human being, I suppose I'd rather skip over the bad and concentrate on the good. After all, who wants to hear for the umpteenth time that there are times, as a single woman when I get lonely? I'll be frank and admit I don't want to see someone go on and on and on and on about a recurring issue. It's monotonous. Tedious. Frustrating. For them and for me. I'm here to tell you I don't agree with that post. When I see happy pictures, thoughts, recipes, ideas, or posts roll across my newsfeed...I'm happy for that person. Those posts might come at a point in my day...or my week, month, or year (lol)...when I just need to see that at least SOMEone is more-than-just surviving. That they're thriving...loving life...enjoying the ride. Do I think that we humans can be 100% happy every moment of every day? Of course not! But, as a person who tries extremely hard to choose to look at all life has to offer in a glass-half-full kind of way, it rankles deep within my spirit that there are those who might see a happy post of mine and think it's a lie! I strive to only present the truth....and if I'm not happy (or you're not, or your friends' friend of a friend isn't)....that's okay! Once in a while, I DO post not-so-happy things....because I want those in my network here...family, friends, acquaintances, and people I've never met face to face...to know that I am real. I live, eat, work, clean my apartment, play with my cat, feel lonely, feel frustrated, and sometimes there are THOSE moments when I see something and gratefulness floods my spirit. Do I post my WHOLE life? No. Do I post when it matters to me? Yes. Do I post hoping someone else will glean something from an experience or line of thought I've had? Yes. WHY do I post? Because...if you're on my friends list on Facebook...you matter to me. And, I want us all to be able to relate to each other, knowing that each of us individually, living our lives, posting & sharing, are part of what makes the world go 'round.
We live in a cyber age, folks. You know that future we dreamed about when we were young? It's here. It's now. We don't get any do-overs, and we shouldn't waste the time we have right this moment. We don't know how long we have...we don't know our appointed time. Do we really want to look back on our lives and remember with bitterness that we could never believe a word folks we called friends said? Do we even know what a friend is? We struggle and grasp at what we think is happiness, only to find out in the end that it's relationships that matter, not things. I cannot and will not apologize for who I am, how I think or feel, or whom I choose as friends. This is an all-me-all-the-time-good-with-the-bad human being you're reading about. While I know there ARE liars out there, I will continue to give the benefit of the doubt where it is merited, and try to always, always look for the good. Isn't that all any of us can do? And isn't it better to have tried to find the positive...than to live your (cyber) life assuming everyone is lying?

Stop, Look, & Listen

A squirrel races past the patio door, scurrying on its way to add another token to his winter larder. The cat in turn, races past, trying to get a closer view of this would be prey. Life. In its ordinariness. The pond outside has the first flimsy, fragile coating of ice. There is no snow on the ground...yet. The patio outside has been emptied of the glorious colors of summer...flowers, planters, a lounge chair, wind chimes, and hummingbird feeders...it lays barren, as soon the rest of the landscape around will be covered in the glitter of individual snowflakes, crowding together to make mounds of relentlessly cold snow.
If I look closely, I can see snow falling. Not the pretty, big, fluffy looking flakes, but the tiny, hard to see stuff that no one welcomes. What I do welcome about this time of year, is the comfort of familiar recipes. Soups. Stews. Roasts. Bread fresh from the oven, whose smell alone can warm a person just walking in from a bitterly cold foray.
These activities, and a host of others go on continuously, unseen, or maybe just unnoticed by those who are just too busy to stop, look, and listen. Those three adjectives apply not only to road crossing safety, they also apply to life, specifically to appreciating life. And truly, to appreciating your own life. Every breath we take is a gift. Each one signifies and affirms that we are alive.
Will it ruin my life if I don't notice the multi-colored squirrels, foraging for the fast approaching winter? No, it won't. But, every time I do stop to notice, I'm reminded of the intricacy of life. Of my part in this life. Of the glorious gift afforded me to be able to live this life. Too often, I take for granted the luxury of being able to come and go as I please, to work, to be on my computer, to text or talk to a friend or loved one on the phone, to cook, for myself or for others. All normal, average, run-of-the-mill types of things. Until I understand there are those who can't do any or even just some of these things. Illness, economic failure, lack of consideration by others....there's a myriad of reasons other can't.
So, I'm learning. To make time to show appreciation for the every day things I'd normally take for granted. I smile more, because I see more, and acknowledge more. You want to be a happy person? Appreciation is a key to happiness!

The Thanking Time

As a writer, I want a title to grab a reader's attention, so they want to see what's in the article. Sort of like wrapping a gift you really hope someone likes, then waiting in anticipation of their reaction when they open it!
I've gone through another of those periods when I just want to know why. Why can't I seem to find someone who just wants to date me, get to know me slowly, and make that slow journey of discovery to determining if this person is someone you'd want to consider forming a deep relationship with? But that time is now once again over. At least for a short while! What I keep re-learning....or maybe not so much re-learning as coming to a deeper, clear understanding...is that I am enough. This time of year leads me inevitably to self-evaluation. I take stock of where I've been, where I am, and where I want to be. I ask myself, seriously..."Why do you want a man in your life?" The answer is because each day I'm finding a clearer vision of who I am, and I understand that at some point, I'm going to want to share that with someone. Deeply. Intimately. Privately.
The conclusion I've come to is simple. I'm not ready yet. I can stand in one place now and say "This is who I am!" But there is also unfinished business. When someone comes in to my life, I want to be completely unfettered. Liberated from my past. Living my present as fully as I can, and looking with eagerness to a bright future.
How do I do this? I keep at my plan. That plan that took me to Florida (and back). That put me at the lowest point I've been in my life, but showed me as I grabbed each piton and scaled the slick walls, that I had the stamina and determination to get out of that hole! It's been filled in, gradually over the last two-plus years, but I still have some significant backfilling to do before it's completely re-filled. 
Being thankful, even for seemingly small things, helps change our attitude. It helps get our focus outward, and when that focus turns away from being so self-focused, it skews our world view. Our life view. And begins to help us define our place in the world.
I write...because it's a release. Words tumble around, unfettered, in my mind and it feels as if they must be tamed and released in (what is hopefully) some semblance of order. As we enter this dizzying time of holiday obligations, decorations, and celebrations...focus on what makes you, personally thankful. When you do...when I do, it's life altering. It's life affirming. And it forces your focus outward. Look for where you can be a blessing, even in a small way. Because what's small to you, may be momentous to someone else! Be thankful!

The Future

This is a very personal post. I want you, as my friends, to understand that I love my life. While I may not always be extremely happy with the outcome of some life choices, I like where I am, who I am, and the direction my life is taking. I look back, and I DON'T only see bad. I see good...and I see things that seemed bad at the time I was going through them. Those things have helped shape and define who I am today, so I am grateful for them. Do I have opinions? Ha! Oh, yes ...I do! Will I state them? You betcha! I have hopes, fears, dreams...don't we all? Each day I open my eyes, I feel blessed to be here. To have an opportunity to see what that day has to offer, and what *I* have to offer in return. There ARE days when I am achingly lonely. When I wish there was someone to come home to, who'd wrap me in his arms and tell me that I make it worth the struggle. At the same time, I am being taught. Patience. Tolerance. Understanding. I know myself more now than at any other point in my life. I have what I need. I don't have everything I want, but that forces me to make goals, to have ambition, to look in to the future. I've tried really hard to stop 'looking for the right person'...and to just become the right person.
I have a vehicle that's pretty trustworthy. Food in my belly. Heat. Running water. A pet. A job I like. Friends. A place of my own, and a lot of beautiful things in that place. I have three kids I am really proud of. Family who love me, and an unshakeable faith that there IS a God in Heaven. When you have the basics...everything else you get is simply a blessing. We're not promised an easy path. Being human...and real...ISN'T easy. But, it is totally worth the risks, and SO much easier than trying to hide behind facades and masks. I am not defined by whether or not I am 'in a relationship'...I am defined by what pours out of my heart.
Whether you, individually, believe that or not...it's the truth. My life attitude shows up in nuances...in my facial expressions, in my vocal intonations, in the words I chose to use or write...and so do yours! Many times during any given day, I force myself to truly look at what's happening, and find something good in it. Even if it's just small. that's where I've learned to be positive. There are times it is really, REALLY tough to do, and times when I just have a general feeling of 'blah-ness'. For me, it's all about focus. If I focus on negative, the resulting attitude is negative. If I focus on positive, the attitude projects from that.
So....IS there someone out there for me? I don't know! But, I'm excited to find out, and in the mean time, my ONLY responsibility is to work on being the right person, so that when he (yes, it WILL be a he), comes along, I'm as ready for him as he is for me. Counting my blessings, on a daily basis is where it all starts!