A Christmas...Present

I have decided that I need to learn the difference between being alone and being lonely. I am often alone. I live alone. I grocery shop alone. I go places alone, like movies, the mall, vacations. I understand what it is to be alone. I also understand what it's like to be lonely. What it feels like to ache for something as simple as a pair of arms to enfold me at the end of a hectic day. I understand what it feels like to wish there were someone (besides my cat!) here to talk to about my day, my life, my work, my kids...anything and everything.
I've struck an uneasy balance between the two for now. Not because I'm afraid to be alone. I'm not, not even a tiny bit! But because feeling lonely makes me feel like I'm not quite there yet...you know? Feeling lonely happens far less often now than it used to. I'm not sure if this comes from just comprehending I can be on my own and survive, or if I'm just getting used to being alone. It's become my "norm". And, most often, I can find things to fill voids of time I might otherwise be sharing with someone of significance.
It's when I reflect about what the future might hold that I sometimes get that twinge of loneliness. Am I really, truly going to be on my own for the rest of my life? That's hard to get my mind around, if I'm going to be honest! I know myself; my strengths, my weaknesses, and I know who I am. I know the person I am is worth pursuing, worth knowing, worth loving. I also know I don't look like Barbie. Our society is obsessed with body image. And while I'm willing to work to be healthier, I believe that any man who refuses to try to look past the outside, to see the treasure within, would not be worthy of me. At least, that's what I told myself when I was still using dating sites and I saw "that" look. Any woman who's overweight knows that look.
The plus side of being alone is I do what I want, when I want, as time and budget allow. This is a wonderful thing, and one of the biggest bonuses to being single. While it's nice not to have to check with someone else's schedule to make sure I'm free to do something, that checking with someone about anything...is a privilege. It means there's someone around who is investing in your life to the point that you both want your schedules to synchronize...in an effort to spend time together. Whether it's sitting quietly, reading, watching your favorite show on TV, grocery shopping, or just goofing around being silly...you've decided you want to share even your mundane, ordinary tasks with this person. That's what makes me lonely. I fall back to a familiar pattern of overthinking, and wondering if I'll ever have that...or if my life will be fairly similar to how it is now, say....maybe twenty years down the road. Then, I realize I'm trying to borrow from the future, which is not mine to know. It'd be a pretty boring life if we knew everything that was coming. Every event. No surprises....ever. I discover that when I yearn to know what's going to happen...it makes me dwell on the future, instead of actually living in the present!
The more I think about the difference between being alone and being lonely, the more I grasp that part of conquering loneliness is being present in the present. Being aware of the moment you're in, whether it is painful, pleasant, or somewhere in between. I find that becoming a person of intent is tied up in this as well. If I am always dwelling on some very distant possible future, I quickly lose sight of magical moments that are actually happening now. I'm a thinker, a planner, a detail person. But I'm finding that I want to think, and plan, and detail my life away, until I will have missed whatever blessing is right in front of my eyes this moment. For myself, wisdom is coming in the form of learning to ease up on this part of my personality, and just plain Live. Breath. Feel. Appreciate. With age comes understanding, wisdom, growth, an easing of the harried pace of our lives. At least, that is my hope for my life.
I know that when I am fully living in the moment, I am enough. I'm not borrowing from future me, nor relying on past me. Giving myself the gift of being present in the here and now, gives those around me a gift as well. It's like dropping a pebble in a pond. The circle starts out small, but grows in circumference. It will end up affecting some I'd never think it would, as my sphere of influence resonates and moves outward.