It's A Jungle Out There!

There are some nights such as tonight, when I can't sleep. I can't turn my brain off. I look at all I have accomplished, and it pleases me! That does not mean I don't clearly understand that I have a long way to go. Goals to meet. New goals to set. Milestones to pass. And of course, the ever-present knowledge of being alone.
Tonight, I determined to put on paper what I've learned to look for...because ladies, it's a jungle out there! It's easy to be eaten alive by the wolves and other predators waiting...no, lurking in the tall grasses of life.
As you look out over the slender grass swaying in the breeze, it's easy to be lulled in to thinking there's nothing dangerous out there. If you think that, you're wrong. Pandering, insincerity, deceit, and a host of other less than sterling qualities await us. They cloak themselves in smiles that don't quite reach his eyes, ardent compliments meant to bowl you over and make you woozy with flattery, and promises broken, right from the start. ("I'll call/text/see you soon!")
For those of us who are single, I've made a brief list of what we, (or at least I) should be seeking. This is what gives me hope!
Look for the man...who will not only hold you in his arms, but also in his heart.
Look for the man whose eyes light up when you enter a room.
Look for the man who treats you like a lady...not because of some archaic ritual, nor because he sees you as subservient, but because you are as precious as a jewel to him.
Look for the man who will work beside you, play along with you, encourage you, and support you in your weakest & strongest moments.
Look for the man who sees you. Not the picture of you that you present to the world, but the real you. That one you're scared to show to many people. He's seen that you, and he's fascinated by her.
Be yourself. Only. Ever. You. You're worth loving, exactly as you are this moment, and he can see that, as well.

I Am Blessed!

Two months from now it'll be three years. The absolute lowest point of my life. One day before things started getting better. I had moved to Florida to escape frigidly cold winter temperatures, and try to build a new life for myself. I failed...miserably. I returned penniless, on a crazily icy-cold night to live in a bedroom at my mother's house...who'd had to pray for three days about whether to even allow me to come & stay. I'm eternally grateful she got a "yes",  because I don't know what I'd have done otherwise.  I was home a couple weeks, and busily applying to pretty much any job I even thought I could do. I owed my ex roommate, the government, and another dear friend money. But it was not until after I awoke one morning to see the one thing I'd fiercely clung to....gone, that I felt the direness of my situation. My beloved MINI Cooper S had been repossessed, in the middle of the night. Everything in it was gone too, including one of my mom's garage door openers. I was shocked. Humiliated. And utterly defeated. When your car is repo'd, they clean it out, gather your things together, and keep it at their place for a short period of time. I...could not make it down to the place in time to collect those things. I can not describe to you how alone I felt. I stood in my mother's house, at 50 years old, and felt like a failure. I was being toted around by my mother. Dropped off at the library or McDonald's or Starbuck's. Using their free Wi-Fi to hunt for jobs online.
The next day, I got a call for a first interview for the job I now have. It took about 6 weeks, and a couple more interviews, but I secured the job. I borrowed my out-of-town daughter's car for the summer, and got busy paying. I paid Uncle Sam. I started (I'm not done yet) paying my gracious roommate from Florida back. And, I started learning. It took me well over a year working to start to feel calm about it (my job). There are no words I could type that would express to you my gratitude to the two ladies who ultimately made the decision to hire me. I applied for a part time job. I worked full time during training, then went to part time for six weeks. I was offered full time after that six weeks, and I jumped at the chance! My daughter came home from New York City to claim her car, so I had to do something to make sure I could get back & forth to work. Enter a lease to own car place for people with bad credit. Since October of 2012, I have faithfully paid on the vehicle I was driving. Every moment I spent in it was a reminder of my previous failure. It served me well, got me where I needed to go, and was even what I used to move in to my lovely apartment in January, 2013.
I have my own place. I have a cat. I have the car. I have a job I enjoy, and another opportunity coming up soon for which I am also extremely grateful. It's going to be about another year before that incredibly patient lady I shared a house with is paid off. Then lastly, the other friend. My celebratory adventure is going to be a trip to the U.K. And, if I'm correct, what I feel this moment will be nothing compared to that moment... as I board the plane, unencumbered by debt to anyone I call friend, and start a journey that's been forty-plus years in the making.
I type all of this to you, not to show myself as a model of how it should be done but rather, to try to encourage anyone who might think they should just give up. The world can be a crummy place. Sometimes, it is because of someone else's actions, but a lot of times, it's because of our own. If we were face to face I would tell you just don't ever give up! Set goals, and do what it takes to reach them. When you reach them, be happy about it, and re-focus to a different goal. Three years ago I would not have thought it possible to be where I am today. But, it is possible! I am living proof! (and so...is this! Today, I replaced the MINI!)

Hearts & Flowers...?

I actually forgot Valentine's Day is coming up! I asked my son to come along with me to look at something this coming Saturday, completely missing that it's February 14th! It's been so long since I had a "sweetie", that it's just not something I pay attention to at this point in my life. Plus, dwelling on it too much would remind me that 7-plus years have rolled by, and I am still alone. I've gotten used to being alone. I certainly feel, for the most part, that I've flourished. I also know that somewhere there's a man I'm going to meet. I don't know when, and I don't know how...but, we will meet. And, it's going to be spectacular. Until that point, I can wait. When it happens...every day will be a possible Valentine's Day. I am slowly, painstakingly, getting my life in order. I've had some major and minor setbacks, but all those have done is help me prove to myself that I can do this. I can budget. Pay bills. Go to work. Spend time with my kids. Have dreams...and watch them slowly become reality.
That man I alluded to above? He's still in the dream phase. But he is there. I know it with a surety. And, because I know that I am worth waiting for, (however long his wait may have been), I know that he is as well. Being on my own has taught me so much...but mostly it's taught me self-reliance, and to recognize when I actually need help. That's a big thing, at least for me.
As I've mentioned in earlier posts, the dating scene is just not for me. I don't miss it. For me, it was a waste of time and effort, and I found myself meeting men I knew, even before I met them face to face, were not right for me. Releasing the feeling that I 'had' to be dating, gave me time to refocus energies on other areas of my life. It's tough, even at 50-plus, to understand that life is always going to be a learning process. That if we're living, we're changing. Growing. Becoming. When we embrace that lesson, we begin to be able to see beyond it. Until we embrace it, it's kind of like a huge monolith, that blocks out the rays of an otherwise brilliant sun. There is privilege, honor, and surrender in saying you love someone. That world only the two of you share, is a safe haven. The looks across a crowded room. Private jokes. And the joy of knowing your well-being is tied to that of another person. It's heady, powerful stuff, love!
To those of you reading this who have a sweetie this Valentine's Day...I'm truly happy for you! Sneak some stolen, special moments with them. Kiss them, just because. Do something unexpected for them. It doesn't have to be big, because anything you do to show the depth of your feelings for someone else, will garner its own appreciation. I don't want to forget Valentine's Day...because, I'm looking forward to the one somewhere in my future, where I know I'm going to get to spend it...with him! Happy Valentine's Day!

An Open Letter to My Children...All Three of Them!

I carried you safely, inside my body, for 40 weeks. 40 long weeks. I went through the agonizing pain of childbirth willingly...excited by the prospect of seeing the face of someone I already loved unreservedly. I heard your first breath of air. Your first cry. I saw your eyes, trying to adjust to light...something they'd never had to try to do while in the safety of my womb. I saw you flail your arms and legs. Stretching, moving, building muscle. I changed your diapers. Stayed up worrying over fevers, spots, stuffy noses, or even unexplained crying. I heard your first word...and my heart swelled when I could discern "Da-da". I'd been working with you for days to get you to say it! I gloried when you sat up, crawled, then walked. And I ran after you as you explored the world you were growing used to, the world you were extraordinarily curious about. My courage was tested when you needed surgery, broke a bone, when we discovered you needed stitches, or had something wrong that while not life-threatening, bore watching.
I watched as you learned things...first from me, then from teachers as I sent you off to school. I saw you learn, grow, play, make mistakes, and begin to become who you are now. And I was in awe. Always. Your arrival here, upon this planet proved to me that miracles are real. Without you, I would not know how completely I could love another person. How willingly I'd set aside any dream I'd had to discover your dreams, and try, with all my might, to help you attain them. I home schooled you for a while. I'm glad I tried that, and no, I still don't think it hurt, warped, or changed you. Nor did it make you anti-social.
Our relationship changed as you grew...just as it's supposed to. After all, it was my mission to help you become self-sufficient as an adult. I think you're doing a great job! I've seen your heartaches over broken relationships, your frustrations with some of your life choices, and your courage to just keep on going, even when things aren't quite as you expected them to be. I've seen your hurt and anger over some of my own choices. I've stood by, helpless to heal the hurt in your eyes. Hurt that my decision caused. I've also seen forgiveness as time has moved along. All I can say is, it was never my intention to hurt you. And it broke my heart that I did. You are the best thing that's ever happened to me. I want you to know I don't regret my past...because you are an integral part of it.
As to my future...or your future...it will be whatever we choose to make it! My love for you is limitless. Timeless. It's unique, because of how I met you. I made mistakes along the way because I am human. You've become a decent human being in spite of my mistakes! Having you, raising you, loving you has given my life meaning. And every year that passes, every decade you move through, I find new ways to love you. New things to admire about you. And new areas inside my spirit that are humbled knowing I had a hand in bringing you in to the world. If you ever doubt that someone loves you, please understand that what I feel for you goes beyond anything I could ever really put in to words. You inspire me. You humble me. Your existence matters to me. It is my singular honor and privilege to be your mother. Thank you.