I Don't Really Know what I'm Talking About

Yep! That title pretty well sums it up. I'm completely clueless...at least about this subject. The subject being love, finding someone to love who also loves you, and ultimately growing together, understanding each other, and beginning to comprehend what love really is.

I'll admit this right off the bat. I'm a romantic. I mean the girl who wants the handsome prince to charge in on his magnificent steed, swoop her up in his arms as he gazes adoringly at my face, swing me on to the back of his horse, and ride off in to the sunset kind of romantic. (I'll give you a minute to take care of your barf bags!)

Recovered yet? Good! Please understand that I wrestle daily with the images in my mind of what love looks like! After all, I was in a long term marriage. Was is the operative word there. Just as it took two of us to start it, two of us finished it, as well. Let me tell you folks, it does something to your psyche to fail at something huge like that.

I chastise myself over it, berate myself, and have even told myself at times that I deserve  some of the misadventures I've walked through. In the end though, I own my choice.

I was 46 years old when this chapter of my life started. I had three almost grown children, a lifetime of baggage, and only vague, unformed ideas of what my life could be. This blog is aptly titled, because before I was on my own, I spent years finding the person everyone else expected me to be or wanted me to be, and tried not to think about who I wanted to be, or even why I was put on this earth.

I have been alone now for just about ten years. It's been the most desperate, grueling, lonely, self-blaming, rewarding, contentment-filled, surprising, astonishing chapter of my life. Through it all, my journey has been to find myself, to get back in touch with God (after much rebellion at the very idea of God), to find my life's purpose, and, to find love.

I've made friends along the way. People have stepped in to my life from seemingly nowhere. I've discovered I am a somewhat organized person, that I am driven, self-motivated, and that I have the ability to take care of myself. I've had jobs I hated and jobs I've loved. The one consistent thing throughout the entire time has been being alone.

 I have learned that being alone isn't the worst thing that can happen to you, nor is it the best. I've learned that when you're working but pinching every penny, you end up having a lot of time to think (which may or may not be a great thing for me! Just ask those who know me best!) I have learned that the romantic girl inside of me needed to mature, blossom, and grow in to a woman who is capable of giving back exactly what she is expecting, because that's what love is...it's not selfish, arrogant, or rude, and it always seeks and hopes the best for the other.

I've been alone so long because this is how long it's taken for some lessons I needed to learn to soak in and become part of my mindset. I've also learned that with every marker I pass, more pop up further on down the road. That should not discourage me! That's living.

So, I am writing as someone who's lived five plus decades, but is still a novice at this love thing. I want the fantasy. Always have! But fantasy is meant as a means of escape, and if I've learned anything this past decade, it's been that I need to be firmly grounded in reality.

I still believe in love. I believe in its power, in its propensity to encourage us to be the best version of ourselves we can be, and its ability to be life changing, when we begin to understand what it actually is.

I also believe that I will know him the moment I meet him. That there may be preparations, such as texting, phone calls, emails, coffee, talking, and the like, but I think my spirit will call out to his, and his will respond in kind. I've seen a hundred different versions of Mr. Almost Right. so much so that by seeing what I know isn't right for me, it's stripped away what I know won't work, and left a clear image of what will.  Kind of like Michelangelo, who as he chiseled away at his masterpiece, "David" said, "The statue is already there. I just chisel away what isn't David". Esoteric? Pollyanna-ish? Possibly-for someone else. But this is what ultimately will work for my life.

Joy

As I sat in a chair I'd helped make, sipping tea, a breeze lifting my hair from my shoulders-I knew. This feeling, this understanding. This was joy. Pure. Simple. Real. So many other feelings jumble themselves in to the mix, all of them a small part of this three letter word. I know what joy is. It comes from completing tasks, surpassing goals, understanding that you were created for a purpose, and looking around to discover that what you have right now, this moment is the result of whatever has happened in your past, be it good or bad.

I saw that being able to sit on my own porch, in my own chair, with a cup of tea in my hand and a cat wailing plaintively in the background because she is not also outside, is part of what joy is.

I also realized that just being alive to live this specific moment is something I should not brush aside...that it matters to others how I see my life, because the vibe I give off is echoed, a thousand times over by small things such as a smile, a touch, or the words I speak.

Fifty-five years has passed so dizzyingly that it's tough to stop and take a moment to just soak in the view. This perspective I'm talking about doesn't take a majestic mountain, a vast ocean, a deep gorge, nor a spectacular sunset or sunrise to accompany the sense of wonder I might be feeling.

It takes awareness. Gratefulness. Determination. Perseverance. I've had some pretty rough spots in my life-times when I almost gave up hope...when I thought maybe this is it and it's never going to get any better. But...it did! It got so much better that sometimes I have to pinch myself to make sure I'm not dreaming. I am being taught, on a daily basis, what living a joy-filled life truly is all about. Things happen. Life changes on a dime. People, experiences...they come and go. What is constant? The face in the mirror, looking back at me as I prepare for each day. Some days it's tough to find and feel the joy, but it's there. Sometimes it's in the quiet. Sometimes it's in the noise. What I'm discovering is, it's been there all along. When I had no job, no car, no place to live except a bedroom in my mother's home. In my apartment, driving a vehicle I didn't like for three years. In the realization that I might be able to pull off buying a house. And, in the daily grind of a stress-filled job that I'm good at. 

The breeze caresses my wind chimes as I type these last few words. They play their own tune, which has become part of the symphony that is my life.  Listen for your own symphony. It's there, playing in the background, adding tempo and rhythm that are uniquely yours!

Mother's Day & Work Anniversaries

Not two subjects I'd normally put together, but this year they're happening on the same day! My five year anniversary at the company I work for is this Sunday. It's flown by, in a flurry of relief from the onerous task of job hunting, to daily learning as I've tackled and begun to master the jobs I've had over the last five years. Everything I now have in my life has grown from being hired by two brave women five years ago. They took a chance on an unknown, and I've worked hard, no matter what position I've had, to live up to the promises I made them. I'm extremely grateful to these life changers!

Sunday also happens to be Mother's Day. That one day a year when we publicly celebrate the person who carried us for nine months, nurtured us as children, then set us free as adults. I know that's a simplistic view of the process, and that many of us, myself included, are slightly angst-ridden when it comes to our relationship with our mothers. If we ourselves are also mothers, we've got angst about that, as well.

My mom and I have issues. That doesn't stop me from loving her...from appreciating her efforts to raise three decent human beings. While she seems to have a tough time understanding that other people don't necessarily have to live their lives according to her wishes and desires, she unknowingly provides a role model those of us who are a generation or two behind her can choose to either follow, or bypass.

Too often, I see myself and my own shortcomings in the things that annoy me most about my mother. But, it's at these times I get a glimpse of a couple of life lessons I still need to learn. Loving family is not mandatory. We live in a society where families have become disposable. I choose to love. I choose to forgive. I choose, even when it's almost impossible, to believe that things can be better between us. And then, I look at my relationship with my own children...and I weep. I don't often see them. They're responsible adults, with jobs and lives...they're decent humans, and I contributed to that.

This Mother's Day I am thankful. Thankful that my hard-to-get-along-with Mother is still here. Thankful that my children have far outstripped any dream I could have had for them. Thankful that I get to see them, and always hopeful that we can get to a place where I can see them more than I do. They are, as I've said more than once here, the best part of my life. My greatest accomplishments, and my deepest fears lie within them. I'm in awe of them-of the fact that they were once so incredibly helpless but are now so self-sufficient. I fear I've messed them up with my own bad choices. I think this is a mom thing. Any of us who've had children fight this demon. My joy lies in seeing them happy, healthy, and doing what they want to do, and while we cannot change the past, we can alter the future. With more time spent. More words of love spoken. More appreciation shown. Because that's what love is. It's seeing life's river washing over the rocks of our lives, smoothing them relentlessly, and being thankful for the changes.

"Opinions are like..."

I won't finish that phrase, as this is a PG blog, but we all know that sentence!
Each of us has opinions on a myriad of subjects. Some come from life experiences, some come from reading, watching news shows, or even hearing others speak on a specific topic. We might even overhear things at times, that color the way we determine we'll feel about any given event, philosophy, ideal, moray...
Lately, I've decided to try to get past having an opinion, and instead concentrate on having a stance. Do I need to have a stance on everything? No! But, when developing an opinion, which can sometimes happen simply on the turn of a phrase that pique's the listener's interest, we begin to use our mind. My argument in this piece is that having an opinion, be it on one or many different subjects, has only started us thinking. Like a gear with many cogs, we might have clicked one or even two or three in to place, but the gear stops, unable to continue on its relentless circular path because there's not enough energy to keep it moving. Having a stance-on anything-takes energy to develop. Sure it can be hard work digging in, finding information, making a judgement call-and accepting that others' might end up having a stance that is diametrically opposed to yours.
In today's world, having a stance is dangerous. Yes, I said dangerous. We've gotten so used to instant gratification, and being spoon-fed what we'll think, feel, reason, and do, that we've begun to completely ignore our ability to think and reason for ourselves! We've lost the art of using logic to come to a rational conclusion, and taken as gospel what's being crammed down our throats as truth. We live in a society where we chant the sing-song phrases of inclusion, but fail to see that the current trend of inclusion leaves behind anyone who dares think for themselves.
Taking a stance on something doesn't mean you will always be right. Far from it! That's the beauty inherent in reasoning! The ability to form a conclusion based on gathering information, and in the same vein to kind of...correct our course as new information becomes available. Who among us truly believes that ideas, opinions, and stances don't grow, change, and evolve as we grow older, have more experiences, and more interactions with others?
As always, the thoughts expressed within the confines of these brief missives are mine.  Whether you agree with me, or find the words saved within these pages on the ridiculous side, my goal is to get us all thinking. Feeling. Reasoning. There's not enough of these things done these days. I believe you'll find that when you take the risk of thinking for yourself, you enrich your world, enlighten your mind, and engage your brain. Take a stance!

Living The Good Life

John Lennon famously sang, "Life's what happens when you're busy making other plans." While not an acceptable reason, it's the only reason I have for having not posted in months now. So, here I am, back again, setting pen to paper as it were. In the interim, life has flown by at a dizzying pace! It's now been over a year since I moved to my own little home. The cats and I are settled in, and I'm grateful for what I have. Recently, I've helped my older daughter find her lost puppy. No matter their age, when you see your child(ren) sad, you do what you must to rectify it! There's been dating, a false start to a relationship (and an anti-climactic ending as well!). There's been church, work, I took a vacation, was ill for three weeks, I learned to make homemade soap...
Through it all, there's been peace. A surety, of sorts-of knowing that you're in a place you never thought you'd be, and seeing and accepting the blessing that comes along with attaining goals you'd never even dared dream. It's heady stuff, this gratefulness. It colors everything. It defines who I am at my core. It doesn't change things that may happen as my life goes on, but it changes my reactions and responses to those happenings.
I've had car repairs, I'm facing a large hospital bill from being ill. Yet, I've taken the plunge and started saving. It's a tiny amount, but it's a start. Like Pollyanna, I choose to look at the bright side of things. I'm dating yet again. My bills are paid, my tummy is full, there's a roof over my head, I have a way to get to work...So, I thought I'd come and pour out my heart to you once again. Remind all of us how important it is to be aware  of getting caught up in being ungrateful, and to fight against that urge.
I sit here sipping tea from a bone china cup, with a cat purring at my side, taking time before walking out the door in to my work-a-day world to acknowledge that I am blessed. "Lucky", some might call it. I choose to believe that it's not luck or happenstance that got me here, but hard work, toil, sweat, tears, and a little nudge from a Creator who blesses us, even when we don't truly believe we've earned it.
I'm living the good life! While my own definition of that phrase has morphed over the years, the power of those words is in the understanding that no matter where we are in our journey, if we're working, living, going about our day-to-day life-we're living the good life.