Yep! That title pretty well sums it up. I'm completely clueless...at least about this subject. The subject being love, finding someone to love who also loves you, and ultimately growing together, understanding each other, and beginning to comprehend what love really is.
I'll admit this right off the bat. I'm a romantic. I mean the girl who wants the handsome prince to charge in on his magnificent steed, swoop her up in his arms as he gazes adoringly at my face, swing me on to the back of his horse, and ride off in to the sunset kind of romantic. (I'll give you a minute to take care of your barf bags!)
Recovered yet? Good! Please understand that I wrestle daily with the images in my mind of what love looks like! After all, I was in a long term marriage. Was is the operative word there. Just as it took two of us to start it, two of us finished it, as well. Let me tell you folks, it does something to your psyche to fail at something huge like that.
I chastise myself over it, berate myself, and have even told myself at times that I deserve some of the misadventures I've walked through. In the end though, I own my choice.
I was 46 years old when this chapter of my life started. I had three almost grown children, a lifetime of baggage, and only vague, unformed ideas of what my life could be. This blog is aptly titled, because before I was on my own, I spent years finding the person everyone else expected me to be or wanted me to be, and tried not to think about who I wanted to be, or even why I was put on this earth.
I have been alone now for just about ten years. It's been the most desperate, grueling, lonely, self-blaming, rewarding, contentment-filled, surprising, astonishing chapter of my life. Through it all, my journey has been to find myself, to get back in touch with God (after much rebellion at the very idea of God), to find my life's purpose, and, to find love.
I've made friends along the way. People have stepped in to my life from seemingly nowhere. I've discovered I am a somewhat organized person, that I am driven, self-motivated, and that I have the ability to take care of myself. I've had jobs I hated and jobs I've loved. The one consistent thing throughout the entire time has been being alone.
I have learned that being alone isn't the worst thing that can happen to you, nor is it the best. I've learned that when you're working but pinching every penny, you end up having a lot of time to think (which may or may not be a great thing for me! Just ask those who know me best!) I have learned that the romantic girl inside of me needed to mature, blossom, and grow in to a woman who is capable of giving back exactly what she is expecting, because that's what love is...it's not selfish, arrogant, or rude, and it always seeks and hopes the best for the other.
I've been alone so long because this is how long it's taken for some lessons I needed to learn to soak in and become part of my mindset. I've also learned that with every marker I pass, more pop up further on down the road. That should not discourage me! That's living.
So, I am writing as someone who's lived five plus decades, but is still a novice at this love thing. I want the fantasy. Always have! But fantasy is meant as a means of escape, and if I've learned anything this past decade, it's been that I need to be firmly grounded in reality.
I still believe in love. I believe in its power, in its propensity to encourage us to be the best version of ourselves we can be, and its ability to be life changing, when we begin to understand what it actually is.
I also believe that I will know him the moment I meet him. That there may be preparations, such as texting, phone calls, emails, coffee, talking, and the like, but I think my spirit will call out to his, and his will respond in kind. I've seen a hundred different versions of Mr. Almost Right. so much so that by seeing what I know isn't right for me, it's stripped away what I know won't work, and left a clear image of what will. Kind of like Michelangelo, who as he chiseled away at his masterpiece, "David" said, "The statue is already there. I just chisel away what isn't David". Esoteric? Pollyanna-ish? Possibly-for someone else. But this is what ultimately will work for my life.
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