Consistency is The Key To My Heart

I've recently discovered this novel idea. I've ruminated a lot over the last few years as to why I haven't had even one serious relationship since becoming single.  I moved out on my own in late 2007, and I became officially single after 26 and a half years of marriage in June, 2009. I've dated so much more than I ever would have thought I'd date...and it's because of one simple thing. It comes back to this one word-consistency.
I've dated men from different walks of life, different cultures, with small children, with no children, with grown children, men estranged from their children (a big no-no!), and the only common thread I can find is that none has chosen to show a consistency of interest. This one thing is how I as a woman, can tell a man is serious in his pursuit of me. When it's not there, I see that as well. I'll use a word picture to illustrate my point: Say you're an incredible baker. You've got tried and true, prize winning, delicious recipes. You use top ingredients, and you know your product. You're baking in your kitchen one day, and you get distracted. You add more of a dry ingredient than the recipe calls for, because you forgot what point you were at before the distraction overtook you. When it comes time to put your batter in to pans, tins, or other bake ware, you suddenly realize the consistency is off. It's too thick. Or, maybe you thought you added that dry ingredient, but you didn't. So, the consistency is too thin. Either way, that batter is off and the product it'll produce if you use it will be inferior. The simple baking lesson here is pay attention to where you're at in the recipe.
The same rules apply to life. Pay attention to the ingredients you add in to your life. When you settle for leavening with no leavening power left...your bread fails to rise. The consistency of the dough is off.
Our lives are not meant to be a cake walk by any means. But I believe we're given a brain and the ability to use it to try to make the best of the life we've been given. Does this answer make me any less alone? No, it does not. But what it does do, is nudge me to remember that unless there is consistency the effort being made is feeble. And, I don't know about you but if I am going to be pursued by someone romantically, it had better be more than a feeble, half-hearted attempt to capture me. Because if that's all he's willing to give when he's on his "best behavior"...in that 'getting to know you' phase, then I'll be unnoticed inside a relationship, and most likely taken for granted.
Before you think I'm talking about being in constant contact, just don't. It's not about that. That's suffocating. It's consistent daily contact, especially when you're first getting to know each other. As you learn more about each other, if the interest grows, I think the contact grows. That's logical to me. Where do you spend you time? That's where your passion lies.
For me, when I look at it this way, it becomes easier to understand why it hasn't worked yet. It's also easier to see how easy it will be to see when it does finally happen!

Sometimes, Life Hurts

The last couple of weeks have been busy in my life. Most of it, not in a good way. My ex mother in law passed away. My mother had double knee replacement surgery. Call volumes are way dawn at work, so I am nervous about my job (again). Because of that nervousness, I started applying to other jobs. I thought I had one, but they declined to complete the process with me, and left me in that void of not knowing why. It was in a different state, so I had a mover lined up, a realtor waiting, and I had even pre-qualified for a mortgage!
I had dinner with my three children this evening, celebrating a belated Mother's Day. While I won't go in to detail, it was humbling, uncomfortable, and I walked away feeling like I must be the lousiest mother-ever. Now understand that I know I'm not, but I can't help feeling that way sometimes.
There are just times in our lives when we have to keep on keeping on, because the alternative is not an option. Loss isn't always easy to deal with. Yet it is an integral part of life. I can normally do alright if I am facing one thing at a time. It just feels, right now, like someone backed a dump truck up and poured 'fertilizer' all over it. All that really means is I need to get out my tools...and start spreading it and evening it out so that it does what it's supposed to do...help me bloom! Yes sometimes, life hurts. But I will argue that if we never knew pain, joy would mean nothing, or at least not as much, because we would have nothing to compare it to.
I will continue to apply for jobs, because I know the pain of not having a job and for me, that is just not a place I want to visit ever again. In the mean time, I will perform my current job to the best of my abilities, because that is what I've been hired to do. My mother will get better. We're seeing small improvements every day. And, at some point, I will be a homeowner, because I believe now that is an achievable goal.
I'm counting my blessings tonight, even as I feel the pain of fresh wounds. They'll heal. Time will move on. And this 'keeping on' phase will lead to the next level, and so on. Even in emotionally tough times, a positive outlook is possible. I just have to remember that I am here for a purpose. That there's a design for my life. And that hard work is it's own reward, and it usually brings other companions along with it. Like peace. Contentment. Self-motivation...and understanding that there will be times, like now...when looking back, there'll only be one set of footprints.