For months now, God's been dealing with me on the subject of obedience. It makes me squirm in my seat. I want to do anything but obey. Simply because what He's calling me to was not on my radar. I'm good at letting urgent things drown out the sound of a command to love without reservation. (Believe it or not, I have a tough time with this!)
This post might offend people. It's not going to be politically correct. It most likely won't make you feel good if you read it, because it might call you to examine yourself, as I have examined myself. I know some read just for something to do, while others read because they know and love me personally.
I write, because God's given me an ability to put on paper what's in my heart. I write, because it's an outlet that gives me a voice-even if it's only me reading it.
Often, as a child, I felt I had no voice. No safe place. No refuge. Then, I got married and what I thought would save me only continued the same prison-like feeling. Because I was a prisoner of my own inability to see the freedom right at hand in giving my life away. In losing it to gain what I could never lose. Obey your parents. Obey authorities. Obey your husband. Obey God. I've had thirteen years on my own to wrestle with how...and Whom...I'm going to obey.
My life has not been perfect. Far from it, in fact. Rebellion has been my middle name and my inner goal for as long as I can remember.
Being off work recovering from a second partial knee replacement has given me plenty of time to do some self examination. And boy, what I have seen, with the help of a couple of friends and a lot of introspective prayer, is something that looks like obedience on the outside, but still feels like the familiar rebellion on the inside.
I don't know about you, but throughout my life I've lulled myself in to thinking I'm not doing too badly because of how I think others perceive me. A good woman. A hard worker. A quick study. Funny. Maybe a bit quirky. Independent. All of those are qualities of a decent human being. But none of those is what God looks at, because He is looking at the innermost motivations of my heart. He's looking at whether I balk at what He's led me to do, and He's looking at who I am when I am alone and no one's looking. That is when my rebellion wells up, my friends. When I think I'm being led to do something, or just in a specific direction, and I feel like it's impossible for me. It is impossible for me. Because I know this in my spirit, I run the other way, thinking I couldn't possibly have heard correctly!
I've been blessed despite my rebellion. If you've read this blog before, you know I'm thankful for the life God's given me, and that I understand I did nothing to deserve any more grace than the next person. I've been blessed despite my rebellion. Because when my Creator looks at me...well, the closest I can come, comparison-wise is the complete love I've felt each time I've looked at any of my children. The wonder, the joy, and the love that pours out of every facet of my being for them.
As children when they disobeyed, it hurt me...but it never diminished my love for them. That's how and why He keeps blessing. Because He loves. ME.
I cannot hypothesize on why He doesn't make everything perfect for anyone who calls themselves Christian...I just know that His love is unfathomable. It's as deep as the ocean, and we rarely come close to plundering the breadth of what He will do if we just surrender.
My conclusion goes back to the title of this entry...what is the cost of obedience? The answer sounds simple, yet it is not because obedience costs me everything. Every plan I have for my future. Every hope I have financially, professionally, personally. I want to see His blueprint...heck, I want to approve it before He implements it! I would need no faith if I could see and approve His plan for my life. I'd just take my red pencil, mark up the things I didn't like, and tell Him to get back to the drawing board and fix it. Me. telling Him. That's not how it's supposed to work. We live by faith, not by sight. He speaks, we listen. We...I obey...understanding that it will cost me everything. Only when I finally surrender will His plan unfold, and it will be beyond anything my finite mind could have drawn up. Because...he's God...and I...am not.
Count the cost, my friends. We're not puppets on strings He puts in weird situations to torture us in to submission. He wants our willing, unrebellious, obedience. He's going to love us, even in our rebellion. But He wants our obedience because He wants what's best for us. And...we can only get that when we stop trying to place our blueprint on top of His.
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